Tough Choices.

41 weeks, 5 days

I spent the day lightly laboring for Logan. (TMI alert) I woke up with some mild but different contractions and a bit of bloody show. The contractions increased in intensity throughout the day but would then let up again.  Pretty soon the whole day had passed with not a whole lot to show for it. It was okay with me since I hadn't worked very hard.  I was able to get a good half hour nap and everything.  David stayed home from work to help with Ayden and I stayed busy feathering my nest but nothing crazy developed. Then around 5 or so my midwife suggested that we get Ayden out of the house. I was fully prepared and had fully intended for Ayden to go to David's parents' house when I was in active labor and no longer able to interact with him; but I guess I was not prepared for him to go while I was laboring so lightly. 

I grabbed the overnight bag I had packed for him and also packed some food to send and then he asked me to read him a book. I sat down, gave him a snuggle and then it all sank in. If he goes, chances are the next time I see him he won't be my only baby anymore. I then proceeded to loose it. I didn't want him to go!  So we changed our minds feeling like emotional peace was pretty important. David made us dinner and we snuggled up and watched an episode of Clifford on Netflix together. Then I noticed my contractions were getting even further apart and that is when my doula called. She had been in touch with my midwife and was calling to check in and to see what we had decided to do with Ayden. When I told her I couldn't do it she gently but strongly encouraged me to have him go. She said that they have seen moms have trouble turning themselves over to their labors because they can't help but focus so much of their energy on their older kids. The mind is a powerful part of labor and if you aren't in the right place mentally it really can slow things down and even stop them altogether. I knew she was right but it was hard to hear. She reminded me that I am a mother of two now and though it is often difficult, there will be times when you need to focus all of your energy on one at a time. She has two kids herself and she said she could relate with my feelings but also reminded me that I will still have special moments with Ayden even years from now and that growing our family is in no way a negative thing for his life. I have been telling myself all of these things but I guess I needed to hear it from someone else to remember it in that moment. Sweet Logan isn't even born yet and I am already experiencing mom guilt and tough choices, feeling torn between my two children.

Ayden is of course in very loving and capable hands. He was excited to go and has had a practice run of going to sleep at Grandma's before. I know whole heartedly that he will be just fine but even so, I had a good cry and then was able to refocus my energy on Logan. I am glad I trusted the professionals that I have hired to get me through this experience because within hours, my contractions picked back up and I had some more TMI moments in the bathroom.  Things are a movin' and a groovin'

Come on whenever you are ready, baby boy. We are so ready to meet you!  My mom said the full moon would bring him and I think she just might be right...

This time I have had with Ayden has been so special. He is the boy who first made me a mother and changed my world forever.   I have savored every moment, have no regrets and I am excited to see how Logan will change my world forever. Ayden gave me such sweet hugs and kisses when he left and hopefully when he comes home we will be introducing him to his baby brother. What an amazing change and adventure for us all!  Be on the lookout because I'm pretty sure tomorrow's post will be an exciting introduction.

~Sarah

Did any other moms out there have a little trouble transitioning to being mommy for 2?  How did you cope? I have a feeling that as soon as Logan is in my arms I'll wonder why I ever even worried about it.

Flashback!  Here's what we were up to one year ago today: "Toddler Talk 2"
And two years ago today: "Well Hello!"

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