Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Gearing Up

There's something that has been on my mind a lot lately. When David and I were in the pre-baby phase we always said we wanted more than one child. We always said, "Our best case scenario would be two children,  a boy then a girl" and we also agreed that if we ended up with two boys or two girls that we'd have a third but no matter what, three would be the limit.

When we had trouble conceiving Ayden (it took us almost 2 years), once we finally did fall pregnant we promised each other (and our unborn son) that if we ever had fertility trouble again, and he was to be our only child, that he would be more than enough.  Once Ayden was born and we experienced the intense love for a child we wondered how on Earth it would ever be possible to love another as much. It was enough to make us question whether or not we wanted more at all. We wrote the feelings off saying that things were still so new and that our hearts would be ready for another after two or three years since that is how far apart we always wanted our children to be. 

Once we got into the swing of things, that intense love only grew and along with that came a newborn who cried a lot, had a hard time staying asleep and spit up all. the. time. There was a LONG time where I'd see a newborn and think, "So cute!  (so glad it's not mine.)"   Then when Ayden was around 6 months or so, my reaction changed to, "So cute!  (I want to go back and experience those moments with Ayden again, only without all the crying, spit up and sleep problems.)".

And now things are different. Sometimes when I spot a baby bump I daydream about being pregnant again and when I see a newborn I have a *tiny* moment where I can picture us with a snuggly, tiny baby again (who is not Ayden). Then I let my thoughts wander to being parents of two. I see the friends and family in my life who have multiple children. They are pulled in so many directions, have to choose between two crying children, have less patience than they'd like, have to get one more person ready to leave the house and, of course, meet all of their needs. Here we are, at a point where things are relatively smooth and even easy almost, we acually feel pretty complete as the Three Muskateers, and we are gearing up to do it all over again. 

We always said we'd start trying again the Spring after Ayden's 2nd birthday. While 2 years used to seem like such a long time away then, almost 20 months have passed now and I am still not feeling a strong need to have another baby.  There is technically no hurry to make any decisions but, though we wanted a few years between our kids, we also wouldn't want too many.  Another thing is that once our children are school-aged the plan was always for me to go back to work and the longer I wait to do that, the longer it will take for me to be able to retire.

The bottom line is, when I search my heart of hearts I do want at least one more child.  I want to experience pregnancy and childbirth again, I want to raise another human being with the amazing unconditional love that we have for Ayden, and I want to observe the similarities and differences between siblings from a parent's perspective.  I want to give Ayden a sibling.  Someone who will always be a friend, will be able to truly relate to his family/home life and someone to lean on when David and I are no longer with him. As the youngest of my family, I relate, but I know that the role of an older sibling is a noble one and I think Ayden would be a wonderful big brother. I also have a feeling that as soon as we welcome a new member of our family, we'll wonder how we ever lived life without him/her, just like we did with Ayden and we will feel even more complete.

Though the idea of having TWO babies who depend on me as much as Ayden does is a little overwhelming for me to think about, I know our hearts are big enough to have another.  If all goes to plan, Ayden will be at least three years old by the time we'd have a second baby and by then he will be a potty trained, sleeping, little helper, not the toddler he is now.  We wanted to give each of our children a chance to be our only baby and we have been more than content to do just that.  I also draw some comfort from our sense of completion as a family of 3 because we do not know what fertility obstacles may be ahead.  As of now we can take a relaxed approach when the time comes. What will be will be and we are okay with that. 

For those of you who were hesitant to have more children, did you wait until you had an urge for more or did you just go for it when the timing seemed right?  I've heard it's one of those scenarios where if you wait until you're ready, you'll never do it...


Flashback!  Here's what we were up to one year ago today: "Rekindling Relationships"

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  1. I appreciate how intentionally you live your life. Every child deserves parents that consider every aspect of life before giving them one. I struggled with the same thoughts, and I have not two but three 'babies' now. :O) There are 4 years between my first (a girl) and second (a boy) and then three more years between my second and third. (also a boy). My boys are 12 and 9, and the very best of friends. I always wanted a boy first, until I had my daughter. I think that when you have a strong family foundation, everything and anything that happens as far as bringing babies into your world, is just a gift. I feel like the fact that you're even feeling this way says alot about how ready you are to be a Mom again. Just ask yourself once...out loud with David, or to yourself in the shower...are we ready? Yes or now. And go with it. Youre an amazing family. Best wishes! -lisa

    1. I agree. Actually, writing this post must have helped me process my feelings a little better because as soon as I pushed publish I was a little more ready. Thank you so much for your encouragement and advice!

  2. I completely agree with the previous commenter. You and David both have immense love for each other, infinite love for Ayden, and just complete dedication to each other and your family. Your foundation is strong and your hearts are open. There just isn’t a wrong time to bring another child into that situation.

    That being said, my husband and I were like you and David. Wanted two – one of each - and were willing to go for three if the first two were the same gender. But we also had a two year struggle, and once our son was here, we couldn’t dream of asking for more. He completely fulfilled us.

    I waivered back and forth, for a long time, feeling like he deserved a sibling, but also feeling like I wasn’t sure I wanted another one. Before I had my first child I yearned for a child and after him I never felt that again. It just didn’t feel right to try for a baby without that sense of wanting. Then when our son was 16 months old I got pregnant by complete surprise! My reaction was not the same as with my first. I felt tremendously guilty that he would have to share me and that I couldn’t say I went into the pregnancy wanting another child. I also felt sad that I neither of them would ever have 100% of me the way my first always did.

    Now, I don’t regret a thing. It’s true that having more than one child is a lot of work, but they don’t always cry at the same time and really you just adapt to the challenges and demands. You find a way to make it work – the same as you did when you went from two of you to “baby makes three!” I also try to make deliberate decisions and weigh every option before going into something (especially after becoming a parent) but, if I had waited to be “ready or to have that urge for another child I don’t think I would have had another child. As I said, my son completed me 100%. And I was too afraid of the unknowns/extra work to want to take it on! I felt like I was good at being a mother of one and gaining confidence every day, but I had no idea how I would manage two so I just didn’t want to try. Now that I have my second child, I couldn’t imagine not having him. The boys love each other so much and my older one is SO GOOD at being a big brother. It fulfills something in him, I just know it! He deserved a sibling and I’m so glad God decided to bless us with our second son because he was meant to be with us.

    Having been through all those emotions/thoughts and realizing I am far more capable than I gave myself credit for helps me feel less worry as I face having a third. My second will just barely be 12 months old when I have the baby and that alone is a challenge, but I know it will be ok.

    It doesn’t sound like you’re wondering if you should have another, but more like you’re wondering when it will be right. In my opinion, when you’re in a situation like yours and David’s, anytime is the right time.

    I wish you both lots of luck going forward!

    1. So great to hear from a seasoned mama of 2 (almost 3!). As always, thank you for your encouragement and advice. I also agree that anytime would be the right time. I think we'll be more than ready to start trying in the Spring. Hope you are feeling well with your pregnancy!

  3. You guys are so incredibly thoughtful about your life's nice to hear. And this may sound creeper-ish, but I was contemplating the Youtubers I follow and how cool it is to watch their lives unfold. I had this moment of thinking that if/when you get pregnant again it'll be so fun to watch it unfold as you choose to share! lol :)

    My husband would have been happy with just one, but I knew I wanted our older boy to have a sibling. I have one sister and we have a very special bond...I knew I wanted that for our family. I think it's true that if you wait till you're "ready" it will never happen. Two kids is more, more work, more patience, more food, more laundry, less sleep (but only for a time), but it's also more laughter, and more was amazing, when our second boy popped, no FLEW out of me onto the bathroom floor to be exact ;), I couldn't believe how much love I felt for him. And then when our older son came in to say hello...oh husband and I both wept. It was the most amazing moment and all the stories people told us were true. There is always room to love more kiddos in your family.

    If you settle on just Ayden...well then enjoy the ride! It will only get easier from here! I the physical exhaustion sense..of course there is always emotional development, yadda yadda. You know what I mean. :)

    Anyway, best of luck to you guys and I can't wait to see where your journey takes you!

    1. Not creeper-ish at all! I think the same way. It's all a part of being in the community :). I hope my next delivery is a quick and easy as it sounds your second was, haha! Hearing about your experience makes me excited to go through those raw emotions again and the added of seeing Ayden as a big bro for the first time. Thank you for sharing.